I murdered the dance floor call the cops
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
