shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
