Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
