just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
