I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
