Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
