Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
