In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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