im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
