Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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