Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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