She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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