Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
