she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
