Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
