eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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