He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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