he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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