Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I smell stomach acid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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