I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
