I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
