Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
