A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
