Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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