the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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