He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
