I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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