Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm too high and old for this...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
