If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
