new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
