i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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