If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
