Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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