I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
