Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Mom said you looked used
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
