The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
