Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
