im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
