I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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