Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
