I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
