wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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