I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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