we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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