i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
