Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
