Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
