Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
