someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So much Jack, so little girl.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
