i jhust puked up my retainher.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
